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Reflection on the Reflection

 

Weigh and measure the fishes, too!

This little guy is not on my food plan.

Good morning, brothers and sisters in recovery!  Shame on ME for not having blogged in such a long time.  Thank you for continuing to support my recovery blog.  All of your emails and especially Murphy giving me that little push has gotten me back here typing this morning.  Thank you!

I’ll do most of the “catch-up” part later and fill you in on all the mysteries and gloriousness (good and bad) that stem from program promises coming true in my life on another blog.  Now let’s take a moment to honor those of us who have returned to their HP, our shared disease having taken them from us. 

The light in them is neither dimmed nor extinguished, for they shine brighter today than ever when captured behind our fleshy masks.

Today’s Voices of Recovery was AWESOME!  Has anyone else read it yet?  I know Murphy did (who gets up at 6am EVERY morning???)!!  “Denial of the truth leads to destruction” from pg 6 in the OA 12&12 is a GREAT reality check for me to read in the morning.  Right after reading the reflections I looked up this sentence in the 12&12 and the next line reads, “Only an honest admission to ourselves of the reality of our condition can save us from our destructive eating.”

Most newcomers don’t realize that Step 1 sets us up for the “searching and fearless moral inventory” found in Step 4, the “asked Him to remove all our shortcomings” in Step 7, and the “continued to take personal inventory” found in Step 10.  These four steps are known as the “honesty” steps.  If we take the HOW (honesty, openmindedness, willingness) and assign them to the Steps – literally in the HOW order – then what you see is something like…

Step 1 – Honesty

Step 2 – Openmindedness

Step 3 – Willingness

Step 4 – Honesty

Step 5 – Openmindedness

Step 6 – Willingness

Step 7 – Honesty

…and so on until 12!       

If I am to be translucent and work the “To Thine Own Self Be True” part of recovery, I have to live in my Truth as best I can.  Just because I have a little bit or a lot of abstinent time under my belt does not mean that I am cured or better than admitting my struggles to my fellows in OA. 

Thank you all for my continued abstinence.  I’m grateful to be writing this blog today and I love all of you – my brothers and sister in recovery.  See you at the next meeting!

 

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Guest Post

I asked a recovery sister of mine, Megan (pronounced Meegan) H., to write a guest post for Promise of Recovery.  I am honored and humbled by the magnificent words that came forth from her pen.  Thank you, Megan H., for writing a wonderful guest post to share with our recovery family.  You are very special to the Tampa OA community and we love you very much.

Am I recovering?

Perfectionism is a demon that I only recently thought I may want to dispose of.  In so many ways, it has served me well—pushing me ahead in many things I’ve tried which lead to external praise yet internal conflict, even hatred.  A year ago I started this program by enrolling in a treatment center and then realizing what I’d done once I got there!  No more hot French bread??  Ever??  Seriously??!!  Well, actually, no more just for today.  See…I’ve got the lingo.  But I also have the fear.  Mostly the fear that I’m not good enough.  That because I have not had 365 days of perfect abstinence, I have failed.  People outside this program may roll their eyes at this idea because I’ve truly lost a lot of weight.  They think, fine, now have a slice of pizza.  You’ve earned it.

In the meantime, I’m working on steps 10-12 every night with my sponsor where I’m admitting things like purchasing and eating an entire bag of mozzarella cheese sticks.  How compulsive is that?  Or binging on raisins because they are the only sweet thing I can find and I’m dying for some sugar?  To me, this is really, really shameful.  Bad, embarrassing, offensive.  I’m a failure in my own mind. 

But thank God for sponsors!  Mine is an amazing example of recovery and there she is to redirect me to the solution in the Big Book along with loving and accepting the wild food beast I am.  She points out all that  has changed by being in this program.  Of course, the major weight loss, but along with that, a new freedom.  More health, confidence, less medication, more friends and support, and a new spiritual connection that I’ve clogged up in the past.  These things are here for me!  When I slip and slide, it does not automatically negate the hours of service, reading, praying, meditating, meetings and sharing that I’ve done.  I remind myself of this as I learn to love and accept who I am right now.  “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.”   

-Megan H.

Thanks again, Megan H., for sharing your experience, strength, and hope with Promise of Recovery!  See you at the next meeting!

All Good

We, at Promise of Recovery, have been jam packed with life over the past several weeks.  We apologize for the delay…

And that is going to be the topic of my post today!  My life ROCKS!!!  I’m so grateful for the OA program.  Well, I guess I’m grateful for the gift of all 12 Step programs.  It is only through recovery that I have found myself back in college (GO USF BULLS!!), hanging out with a wonderful set of friends (I ❤ Tampa OA!), love is knocking on my door, and Petunya’s asthma is finally getting under control.  But, more important, I feel a connection with my Higher Power that is nearly indescribable.  And I love that.

Before I began working a 12 Step program I felt lost and unlovable.  No longer is that the case!  I have a purpose in life today.

And real quick, before I wrap this up, if you ever think that the promises of recovery can’t come true for you, please be advised that everyone is ENTITLED to all of the promises…so long as we remain in recovery and are willing.

Thank you for my recovery!  I love all of you very much!!  See you at the next meeting!

Living Amends

“Only by permanently changing our harmful attitudes and actions can we make it up to ourselves and our loved ones.”  OA 12 & 12 p. 79

Step Nine begins my path of reconstruction; a path that begins a long time before the literal act of making a direct amends to those I have harmed even occurs.  The AA Big Book blatantly states that Step 9 is reconstruction, saying, “Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead.”  It goes on to state, “We must take the lead.”

The word used – reconstruction – is of vital importance to note when discussing the 9th Step.  While we are in our active disease of compulsive eating we ‘construct’ a particular frame of a life.  But this frame is structurally damaged.  It is filled with mishaps, resentment, guilt, and an overall sense of self-loathing.  This disease is not limited to only the one who suffers from compulsive food behaviors, for every person who has contact with an active food addict experiences the thunderous tornado through with life we pass.

The permanent change that recovery asks of us is unlike any intention of dieting, exercise programs, or (for our bulimic and anorexic members) avoidance of compulsive eating behaviors like purging and restriction.  Our permanent change is simply a willingness to continue on in working our steps.  Each day we permanently change by writing a moral inventory, promptly admitting our wrongs, developing our spiritual life, and passing the message of recovery to newcomers.

Thanks you so much for my recovery!  I love all of you so very much!  See you at the next meeting

Autonomous For The People

“Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or OA as a whole.” –Tradition 4

The recovery program of OA is filled with paradoxes.  Autonomy is another one of them…and so I shall do my best writing about it without my head exploding.

We each have individual autonomy in OA.  That means that I can choose to work the steps of OA as suggested or we can try to make up my own way – which I have actually done before – something of which I now call “Lauren’s Anonymous”.  I did not stay abstinent for very long – maybe a week?  Probably less than that – it wasn’t pretty.  I don’t suggest “Lauren’s Anonymous” to anyone.

Anyway, every person gets to do whatever they are going to do in OA and is allowed to do that until they directly affect other people in the program.  This is when members who have long-term abstinence and have worked the steps will jump in and explain the function of autonomy.

The same goes for each individual group.  For example, the Saturday Serenity meeting is at 10AM and the Monday Focus on Abstinence is at 6:30PM and they are two separate groups.  Each autonomous group voted on these two different meeting times.  They did this completely independent of each other.  (I’m not sure why that is relevant but I hope you come to both meetings.)

The paradox is that we all have the right to be individuals in OA and each OA group deserves that same freedom…MY HEAD IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE…and so we can do whatever we want to do…ABOUT TO BLOW…until it impacts others and their rights regarding autonomy.

Okay, I made it.  Phew!  I’m not sure why this tradition is so difficult for me to write about.  After a couple years in recovery I started to scratch the surface at genuine comprehension of this tradition.  It is all about love, forgiveness, freedom, and change.  It seriously makes my head nearly explode to think about the depth of this tradition.  See, no person can force another person to get recovery.  A genuine willingness to surrender is essential to genuine recovery.

I love you all!  Please comment on this if you are willing to talk about Tradition 4!  I love hearing back from everyone.  You help me grow and evolve so much…see you at the next meeting!!

Dis-Ease

Woah!  Disease…Dis-ease…

I did not come up with that, however, it is awesome and so I thought I would write a little about dis-ease.

When I first came into recovery I was filled with dis-ease.  I felt nervous, fearful, and angry.  If I wasn’t busy crying, I was screaming and yelling and carrying on.  A part of me had awoken; and a part of me had died.  There is no internal pain known to mankind as that of the [insert mood-altering substance here] addict who is coming off the sauce…and I ain’t talkin’ alfredo sauce…although for some us food addicts…it could very well be that, too…

We all come in hurting.  If we didn’t hurt so badly then we wouldn’t seek recovery.  The OA 12&12 really drives it home in the quote

“We ate to sate the fears, the anxieties, the angers, the disappointments.  We ate to escape the pressures of our problems or the boredom of everyday life.” –OA 12&12 p. 5

Okay, I’m taking a quick second to mention that the next sentence is just unbelievably hardcore.  It reads

“We procrastinated, we hid, and we ate.”  -OA 12&12 p. 5

This translates to, “We were dis-eased in our disease.”

The second part of Step 1 is all about my dis-ease.  For those of us who are unsure of what I mean by the second part of Step 1, I am referring to “that our lives had become unmanageable”.  Unmanageability is an open word that incorporates all the feelings of dis-ease that we have when we are newcomers.

The reality is that once the food is removed all the emotions are left there…which is why it’s important to go to meetings, get a sponsor, and works the steps.  The promises are real and they come true every day for people.  If you are struggling with compulsive eating, just keep coming back.  The promises can come true for you, too.

I love me some Tampa OA!  Come check out the new ‘Monday Keep Comin’ Back’ @ 6:30 PM over at Rainbow Recovery Club!

Bringing Sexy Back

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(This is my uncle, getting ready to fly a little plane. He’s bringing sexy back!)

Woah! Who is bringing sexy back and where can I get some for me?!

I used to think “sexy” was everything except for myself. I saw my friends hanging out, partying, enjoying the night-life and social events, acting all flirty, as if they were having the time of their life…and I smiled and laughed, too, but secretly I was lonely and miserable inside. Worse, I felt ugly and unattractive. My body was no vessel for communication. It was a hindrance. I felt trapped in my body.

The 12 Steps offer me a new perspective on life, especially how I relate to food, people, places, things, memories, regrets, dreams…well, about everything!

Freedom from my emotional bondage gives me the opportunity to live in my own skin without self-loathing. I am finally able to participate in life and enjoy it. I can go to parties and be involved with the people there (instead of worrying what they think about me). No longer am I stuck in self-hate…I get to be present for life. I get to be me.

Today, I don’t have to be a certain weight or size to love myself. I’m not bound to sugary foods in my thoughts and daily behaviors. By living in recovery I am bringing sexy back!

See you at the next meeting! Thank you for my recovery!