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Bringing Sexy Back


(This is my uncle, getting ready to fly a little plane. He’s bringing sexy back!)

Woah! Who is bringing sexy back and where can I get some for me?!

I used to think “sexy” was everything except for myself. I saw my friends hanging out, partying, enjoying the night-life and social events, acting all flirty, as if they were having the time of their life…and I smiled and laughed, too, but secretly I was lonely and miserable inside. Worse, I felt ugly and unattractive. My body was no vessel for communication. It was a hindrance. I felt trapped in my body.

The 12 Steps offer me a new perspective on life, especially how I relate to food, people, places, things, memories, regrets, dreams…well, about everything!

Freedom from my emotional bondage gives me the opportunity to live in my own skin without self-loathing. I am finally able to participate in life and enjoy it. I can go to parties and be involved with the people there (instead of worrying what they think about me). No longer am I stuck in self-hate…I get to be present for life. I get to be me.

Today, I don’t have to be a certain weight or size to love myself. I’m not bound to sugary foods in my thoughts and daily behaviors. By living in recovery I am bringing sexy back!

See you at the next meeting! Thank you for my recovery!

Loving Myself


(I found this cool picture here.)

“I wish I had a coat of silk the color of the sky.
I wish I had a lady fair, and then a butterfly.
I wish I had a house of stone that looked down on the sea.
But most of all I wish that I was someone else but me.”
– Wishing Song, performed by Ralph the Dog on his album Ol’ Brown Ears is Back!

At one point in my life I longed for things that I didn’t have, both material and spiritual. Regardless of how fortunate I actually was, I wasn’t happy with my life. I had a nice car, but I wanted a nicer one. I had a beautiful home, but I wanted a bigger and better one. I had a good paying job, but I always looked at other people who had creative and interesting jobs and I found myself envious. I even remember sitting in church and in the middle of prayer I would look around at everyone and wonder who was happy and who was not. I would see those people who looked serene and wish that I had a relationship with God like that. But, I was pretty sure that God just wasn’t that interested in me. For a long time I thought I was the only person in the world that felt that way. How wonderful to learn that I am not alone and that my Higher Power loves me!

The promises of the OA program are read at the end of each meeting to remind me of what is possible if I just put forth a little bit of willingness to connect with the group. “I put my hand in yours and together we can do what we could never do alone. No longer is there a sense of hopelessness. No longer must we depend upon our own unsteady willpower. We are all together now, reaching out for power and strength greater than ours. And as we join together, we find love and understanding beyond our wildest dreams.” – The OA Promise

OA gives me the freedom to be myself and to love myself, no matter what other people have or don’t have. I don’t wish I were someone else today! This is a gift from the OA program. Thank you, my dear fellow compulsive eaters, who have given me recovery when I thought I was alone.

Keep coming back! It works if you work it, so work it ’cause you’re worth it! See you at the next meeting!

Recovery Is Not A Diet

Today is a great day to reflect on the truth that no matter how much abstinent time I have acquired in OA, no matter how many steps I’ve worked, friends I’ve made, or weight I’ve lost (or, respectfully, gained), I will always have the compulsion to act out in my food allergy. Most days this concept baffles me. While my lingering compulsion is abstract and easily deniable, some things smack my face right back into reality. For example…

I couldn’t even believe my email ‘inbox’ this morning! It was the most perfect reminder that my life outside the rooms of OA is unmanageable and…well, crazy. It’s totally and perfectly nuts. Here is the list of emails in my inbox as of 1/9/12:

  • BIGGEST LOSER: Ashley lost 183 lbs! The next Biggest…
  • WeightWatchers.com: PointsPlus® 2012 is here! Come back…
  • Atkins Special Savings: Dear Lauren L, Where have you been l…
  • No-Diet Weight Loss: Loss 30+ pounds with no diet and no e…
  • The Dr. Oz Diet Plan: This week you can re-join for FREE and…
  • The ACAI BERRY Diet Works: An amazing little fruit that only grows…
  • JennyCraig.com: Mariah Carey lost weight with Jenny C…

I mumbled, “Wow.” That was all the response that I had for having an inbox filled with those emails. It made me sick to look at them. I felt a sensation that I hadn’t experienced in quite a long time. It was a blend of defeat, bitterness, loneliness, and desperation. Worse, those were all the feelings I often experienced when cycling through diet after diet, sometimes being successful and other times flunking right from the start. Regardless, the weight always seemed to come back and, no matter how skinny I got, I never once liked my body. I never could figure out why I was plagued by horrible nightmares of yo-yo diets and negative feelings – and I even hated myself for hating myself.

I started deleting the emails like a clicking maniac. One, after another, after another…click click click. And then, I saw one other email, right below all the diet advertisements that (for the record) I had voluntarily signed up to receive before I started working the OA program. And that email was from a woman who attended a meeting with me just last week. Hope and awe entered me and with a swiftly beating heart I opened that email. It read:


Hey, girl! How are you? Thanks for what you said at the meeting. I agree that my spiritual fitness is totally everything. It trips me out, like, when I think about all the dieting stuff I ever tried. I feel so free today. How cool is it that recovery is not a diet and yet, thanks to the program, I’m successful at losing weight and I’m happy? Haha! I love OA. Let’s get coffee soon.



Thank you, my brothers and sisters in OA! You keep me abstinent and teach me how to trust my Higher Power. I love you all so much! The promises of OA are true and real! Thank you for my recovery!!

On Writing

We have 9 Tools available to use for OA and one of them is writing.  Why is this such an important tool and when is best for me to use it?

Writing (and not just writing inventories) is a great way to better understand stressful situations and events that occur in our life.  Through the process of writing about topics like situations, feelings, or possible outcomes to life drama, we are better able to resolve inside of ourselves what is happening and why it affects us.

I write about good things, bad things, fun things, and even those things that are buried deep inside of me that I don’t ever want to disclose.  By putting on paper my feelings/actions I begin a process of healing and self-learning that I wouldn’t if I buried them deep inside of me.

In my past, compulsive actions with food or exercise have ruled my emotions.  OA gives me the choice to try a different approach to dealing with life on life’s terms.  I haven’t ever found a food to cure my woes long term.  It is only through engaging in the steps of OA and using the tools offered to me that I am able to find lasting serenity.

Have a wonderful New Year and I look forward to seeing all of you, my brothers and sisters in OA, in 2012.  Keep coming back!      

Don’t Call Me Gaga…

This morning started off like basically every other morning…get up from bed, get down on my knees to ask my HP to remove my obsession, get up and feed my cats, and then get down to work.  However, in the middle of my deepest, most impassioned prayers I had a lightning bolt thought of “OMG I haven’t yet watched the entire beginning to Lady Gaga’s song ‘Marry the Night’!  AHHHHH!!”

And so, as the good lil’ recovery junkie I am, I wrapped up my morning meditation real quick-like and rushed off to my computer.

I am so happy I did because I came across the above image of Lady Gaga that reminded me of myself.

Some days are easier than others.  Yet other days are so filled with hope and promises that I just can’t image life without my 12 Step groups.

“Abandon yourself to God as you understand God.  Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows.  Clear away the wreckage of your past.  Give freely of what you find and join us.  We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.  May God bless you and keep you – until then.”  -AA Big Book pg 164

I love you all and I’ll see you at the next meeting!!