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“Healing”

Stretching My Wings

Hello, dear brothers and sisters. Thank you for joining with me this evening as together we continue down the path of recovery. It has been several years since I last wrote in this blog, and that long stretch of time is something I am not proud of though it is also something of which I am no longer ashamed.  I send a warm and loving virtual hug to a couple of my beautiful recovery sisters (you know who you are!) for helping me to see that shame and embarrassment is unnecessary and only of the ego; which is yet another example of spiritual gifts that are of abundance within the fellowship. Regardless I did, in fact, walk around for years feeling ashamed, and so ashamed did I feel that I up and stopped blogging about OA. In a literal span of about 5 seconds I went from feeling fairly confident about the OA program to feeling like I knew nothing – NOTHING – and immediately I had convinced myself that writing a blog might do more harm than good for others. Again, bear with me as I take a moment to recognize my OA brothers and sisters who were unyielding with their support and love during these past 3 years. Thank you for continuing on with me, even after all this time, with your support and love. I would not be abstinent today without each and every one of you who have supported this blog.

Why the shame? Why the embarrassment? The story is long and complicated but after spending much of the past 3 years working the steps and traditions (with a sponsor) on all of the events that transpired I am able to abbreviate without appearing scorned and heartbroken. For the longest time I wanted to post about what was happening but each time I went to blog I began crying. And crying. And crying. The blog never got written, and the simple act of not writing the blog exacerbated my shame and embarrassment. Until today when I was asked, “What happened with the blog?” and the answer I gave made sense and felt good to explain.

There were so many various events that happened, and kept happening…I just felt defeated. I felt absolutely defeated. To begin with, I ask that if you are reading this and we know each other from the rooms, please know that these reflections are infused with love and gratitude for you. Even if we had tension between us at some point, please know that I love you as either my brother or my sister and I will always support you in recovery. Second, those of you that I have had the privilege of meeting through this blog (especially those who privately reached out to me during this time), please know that I have the upmost respect and love for you and every single word is written with my deepest and most sincere gratitude.

Here is the quick break down of what happened:

Summer of 2011: Impactful death

Summer of 2011: I got dumped

Summer of 2011: We got back together

Spring of 2012: We got engaged

Spring of 2012: I got dumped

Spring of 2012: Impactful death

Fall of 2012 – Summer of 2013: Sudden and significant amount of weight gain while abstinent

Fall of 2013: Thyroid condition diagnosis

On the surface there is nothing listed that appears terrible, but believe me when I was in the thick of this forest it was terrible! I felt shame because I “got dumped”, I felt shame because a few people in the rooms questioned my abstinence since I had weight gain, and I felt shame that I felt so undone, just to name a few.

I’d like to reference a quote on page 48 of the OA 12 & 12 that reads, “Nothing in us can be changed until we first accept it.” I have meditated on that quote and on this general concept extensively. Why? Because I want to change. I need to change. More important, if I want to continue recovery then I HAVE TO CHANGE. Like most of us, I sought change with a thirst. And for a long time I thought that I needed to accept that I felt shame in order to change, but that was not getting me anywhere. As it turned out, shame was the result and not the cause.

“Change” is a funny little word in recovery because while change is what we ultimately are doing, it isn’t descriptive enough at times for me. Let’s re-visit and “change” that sentence from page 48 real quick, “Nothing in us can be healed until we first accept it.”

The truth is that my heart hurt, my soul hurt, and not only did it hurt for valid spiritual matters but it also hurt because I had somehow become involved with a sliding scale of harsh judgements toward myself. In that quote the word “changed” elicits a sense of inherent wrongfulness, as if some part of me is horrid or ugly, because nothing is actually wrong with that part of me other than it is naturally grotesque. The word “healed” implies a basic sense of reverence for the part of me that is broken or sick, and gentleness and kindness are required for complete restoration, because it is beautiful even if it is unwell.

So that’s what happened. That’s it!

Brothers and sisters, we are beautiful even when we are hurting. I love all of you very much, and I look forward to seeing you at the next meeting!

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Reflection on the Reflection

 

Weigh and measure the fishes, too!

This little guy is not on my food plan.

Good morning, brothers and sisters in recovery!  Shame on ME for not having blogged in such a long time.  Thank you for continuing to support my recovery blog.  All of your emails and especially Murphy giving me that little push has gotten me back here typing this morning.  Thank you!

I’ll do most of the “catch-up” part later and fill you in on all the mysteries and gloriousness (good and bad) that stem from program promises coming true in my life on another blog.  Now let’s take a moment to honor those of us who have returned to their HP, our shared disease having taken them from us. 

The light in them is neither dimmed nor extinguished, for they shine brighter today than ever when captured behind our fleshy masks.

Today’s Voices of Recovery was AWESOME!  Has anyone else read it yet?  I know Murphy did (who gets up at 6am EVERY morning???)!!  “Denial of the truth leads to destruction” from pg 6 in the OA 12&12 is a GREAT reality check for me to read in the morning.  Right after reading the reflections I looked up this sentence in the 12&12 and the next line reads, “Only an honest admission to ourselves of the reality of our condition can save us from our destructive eating.”

Most newcomers don’t realize that Step 1 sets us up for the “searching and fearless moral inventory” found in Step 4, the “asked Him to remove all our shortcomings” in Step 7, and the “continued to take personal inventory” found in Step 10.  These four steps are known as the “honesty” steps.  If we take the HOW (honesty, openmindedness, willingness) and assign them to the Steps – literally in the HOW order – then what you see is something like…

Step 1 – Honesty

Step 2 – Openmindedness

Step 3 – Willingness

Step 4 – Honesty

Step 5 – Openmindedness

Step 6 – Willingness

Step 7 – Honesty

…and so on until 12!       

If I am to be translucent and work the “To Thine Own Self Be True” part of recovery, I have to live in my Truth as best I can.  Just because I have a little bit or a lot of abstinent time under my belt does not mean that I am cured or better than admitting my struggles to my fellows in OA. 

Thank you all for my continued abstinence.  I’m grateful to be writing this blog today and I love all of you – my brothers and sister in recovery.  See you at the next meeting!

 

Cleaning House

OA Step 4:  “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Honest self-searching is the beginning to a fruitful relationship with our Higher Power.  It is imperative that we look at who we were, both in action and in emotion, so that we might bring forth a new awareness, vision, and grace as we re-enter society within our recovery.  Every successful business conducts audits and inventories, so why shouldn’t we do the same of ourselves?

Humility develops inside our spirit as we review our conduct by completing a rigorously honest inventory.  No longer do we find that we were victim to others, life, and circumstance.  We clearly see our part in situations.  Only by realizing what part we play in our various life dramas are we then able to cast the light of reason and growth upon the dark and gloomy areas of our nature.  Though too, sometimes we are brought into truth that early childhood events are no fault of ours and we are relieved of burdens we have carried for years.  Suddenly everything that was once distorted and fuzzy becomes clear and comprehendible.

Not a single person who completes Step 4 to the best of their abilities will say, “No – I feel no difference.”  It is a guarantee that to work this step a spiritual event will unfold.  Many say something like, “I’m not certain what happened, but I feel lighter.”  Upon the completion of our inventory we begin to experience a spiritual journey.  Step 4 ushers us into a part of the OA promises.  At the conclusion of this step we begin “moving beyond the food and the emotional havoc to a fuller living experience.”  -OA, Our Invitation To You

Thanks for reading!  See you at the next meeting!