Daily Bread

Sitting for morning reflection is a time I speak with my Higher Power.

Sitting for morning reflection is a time I speak with my Higher Power.

Voices of Recovery does not ever let me down, and today’s reflection is one that fills my heart with pure joy. The quote is from the OA 12&12 on page 93 and it reads, “What do we say when we talk to God? We say whatever we feel like saying.” Boom!

Early on in recovery I used to be concerned that God might get bored with me rambling on about this challenge or that moment of fear or how grateful I felt or how much I love my cats or whatever. I don’t worry about those kinds of things anymore. Now I worry about really important stuff, like if I sound deep enough or humble enough to God. KIDDING. Well, I’m mostly kidding. I fully admit that there have been times when I have tried to make a situation sound better/worse in the midst of pleading for God to intervene, or times when I have conveniently omitted my part of a situation during prayer, or even precious moments of rationalizing and justifying to God why I acted like such a jerk to someone.

It used to baffle me…late at night, being deep in a passionate prayer, and suddenly realizing everything I had said to God for the last 5 minutes was a straight up lie. I would just sit there in silence, partially disgusted with myself, wondering if that was my addict mind…or if something was seriously wrong with me.

OA frees me from the bondage of self, if I let it free me. Having awareness of bs-ing my Higher Power is a miracle because there was a time in my life that I was both unaware and apathetic toward being honest with God. Brothers and sisters, when it comes to God we have a commonality that unifies us, much like a thread found within a magnificent woven tapestry. On some level none of us ever felt truly loved by God prior to recovery. How many of us begged mercy from God, only to once again find ourselves in the clutches of active food addiction? How many of us have wept late into the night, praying that we not wake up in the morning, wanting so desperately for the cycle to end? How many of us hated God? Felt abandoned by God? Despaired the very notion of God? I certainly have felt many of these things toward or about God. So it is no wonder why I would want to people-please God in my prayers.

In truth, I have always wanted to God like me. And for many years I did not think God liked or loved me, but that did not stop the reality that I wanted God to like and love me. Prior to recovery I was very angry at God, and for me it was a relief to learn in recovery that having anger toward God is very normal. As I began working the steps and developing my program I found myself struggling with prayer because I didn’t think it was honest enough, humble enough, gracious enough. I was willing to pray, and I was open-minded to pray…but I just didn’t have the kind of honesty in my prayers that I wanted to have. Parallel with how I presented in so many of my relationships early in recovery (like with family and friends), I found myself intentionally saying things and describing things to God during prayer in ways that I thought God would respond positively to. So deep was my longing for God to like me – to love me – that I unconsciously acted out in character defects while asking for my character defects to be removed.

Everyone in recovery is, to some degree, relieved to learn that it’s ok to say whatever we want to God. Being able to say whatever we want to say to God is ultimate freedom and definitive liberty of self. Its very concept is reminiscent of a spiritual sovereignty hymn, one that echoes in the chambers of our souls, and if we listen just long enough we can hear the echoing of God’s enchanted song to us. I can hear my song. “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.”

I love each and every one of you! Thank you for joining me today and reading my post. God loves you and wants to hear every single thing you have to say. Please don’t shy away from prayer. If ever you realize you have bs-ed God like I have done so many times, all you have to do is say “My bad!” and try again. You are a miracle. Blessings upon you! See you at the next meeting!

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